Famed Trash

I Moved On

2005-07-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

That's right, this blog is history. Dead. Nevermore.

Thanks to some newfound fans in high places (i.e. the geeks upstairs); I've made the jump to my own spot.

Update your bookmarks and RSS feeds, 'cause from now on I'm over here: FamedTrash.com!

Pauly Shore is ready for his comeback

2005-07-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

File Under: Pauly Shore

Yeah, unfortunately, most of his fans aren't:

"Yeah, it's true. I want to have sex with that girl right there," Shore says, pointing to a female pedestrian below. "It's not as bad anymore. Now I'm at a point that if I do find that girl, I won't go back to my old ways."
This is Pauly Shore 2.0. He's abandon his philandering past and embracing his C-list slump. He cites Jamie Foxx, who once starred in "Booty Call," as an example of what he could become. Does that mean pop goes "The Weasel"?
"You don't want to bite the hand that feeds you," he says. "That noise and that thing and whoever I was then made me millions of dollars and got me to where I'm at right now and was hugely successful. I like to look at that as a good thing."

Anybody want something from the drugstore? I think I need an extra-strength Valium...

Fefe Dobson needs help bad

2005-07-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

File Under: Fefe Dobson

What the hell?!

Kids, this is what happens when you listen to good ol' Dr. Tom, switch to vitamins and stop taking your medication.

Google confirms: Paris Hilton is a ho

2005-07-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Meow! Google is catty. Wait until Paris catches wind of this - its gonna be one helluva cyber catfight.

Mary-Kate Olsen takes flying lessons

2005-07-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

File Under: Mary-Kate Olsen

Why is it that I was humming this while looking at these pictures?

Could it be because I'm just so corny?

ARGH! Somebody please get this earworm out of my head!!

Vin Diesel shows love for Gay Porn

2005-07-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

File Under: Vin Diesel

Gay porn star Sebastian Bonnet snagged a pic with Vin Diesel recently while attending a party hosted by Elton John in Los Angeles.

Always there for his fans. That's the gracious Diesel we all know and love, but who knew Vinny was so chummy with gay porn stars?

Bale doesn't give a hoot about Cruise

2005-07-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

File Under: Christian Bale

The only spoiler "Batman Begins" has attached to it is Katie Holmes, who has attached herself to Tom Cruise, in what seems to be the biggest publicity stunt of both of their careers thus far.
"Good for them," says Bale sarcastically, recently, about his co-star's 'situation' while sitting in an air-conditioned suite at The Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, sipping from a bottle of Fiji water. "But who the fuck cares? Most people who really care about each other don't need to make such a spectacle."

Truer words have not been spoken.

Apple and Rock 'n Roll

2005-07-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

File Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

You know it's a slow news day when this is the best I can do. But, c'mon, isn't this the cutest thing?

I still don't quite understand why they would burden her with a name like 'Apple'...

Britney Spears got nothing to hide

2005-07-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

File Under: Britney Spears

I hear Britney's nude magazine pictorial fell through, but that doesn't seem to have deterred her from showing the world what she's not trying to hide.

I know these images will cost me dearly. Therapy ain't cheap, you know.

Tobey Maguire slides down the scale

2005-07-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tobey Maguire

Looks like Tobey came to his senses and decided to get his flabby butt back in shape. He's lost a good chunk of weight. Not nearly enough, but it's definitely a start.

Could the Spidey 3 check and the fact that he just turned 30 have anything to do with his change of heart?

Tom Cruise isn't taking any chances

2005-07-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

I swear, all that's missing now is a monkey with a harmonica and this TomKat circus sideshow could get its own tent.

Since Katie Holmes hooked up with Tom Cruise and the Scientologists, she's not allowed to be alone - ever. When Holmes accompanied Cruise to a recent taping of "The View," eyebrows were raised when she wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom alone. At one point, Cruise asked where the bathroom was and "took Katie with him into the men's room," an insider says. Later, when Holmes needed to go, "three Scientologists followed her in."

Is it me or has Katie Holmes been put on Scientology suicide watch?

The numbers are in: Tom Cruise Poll

2005-07-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

I think the numbers speak for themselves.

It looks like people will watch his movies, but they aren't buying his crap...anymore.

Lindsay Lohan is eating

2005-07-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

That's the good news.

The bad news is LL is under the impression that if you throw up before leaving the house you don't have to brush your teeth anymore.

Dennis Rodman's got a new backpack

2005-07-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

File Under: Dennis Rodman

A lot can be said about hurling women over your shoulder and running into the forest, screaming. God knows pledging a fraternity wasn't easy...

But, what do you do when you're 40, married and sober?

The answer is you create a contest based on the ancient Finnish tradition of wife-stealing.

Sounds fun - if you can handle it. Isn't that right, Dennis?

"I'm not in shape... It could hurt the back," said the former Chicago Bulls and Detroit Pistons forward. But he promised to train for next year.
"I'll carry the kids around the house or something," he said.

Is he married to a midget? How the fuck does carrying the kids around the house prepare you for hauling your wife down a fuckin' track?!

Lindsay Lohan's life is complicated

2005-06-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

"You'll go out and see someone that you dated and they'll be with an ex-girlfriend and then you'll run into the ex-girlfriend and you'll like a person who dated this other girl and then you want to leave and it's not fun and then someone writes about it and there's drama and everyone hates everyone and then you're all friends again. It's so much."

Blah, blah, I'm a slut, blah, blah.

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Jennifer Aniston keeps tabs on Brad

2005-06-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jennifer Aniston

And why wouldn't she? Rumor has it Angelina is pregnant with Brad's baby.

AWW SNAP!

I know!

While the couple have been ultra-top secretive about their relationship, they've been open about their desires for big families.
In the past, Angelina, 30, has said she prefers adoption, and she even adopted son Maddox, 3, in Cambodia in 2002. "I'm drawn to kids that are already born. I believe I'm meant to find my children in the world and not necessarily have them genetically." But now her feelings for Brad, 41, may be changing her mind. "Angelina is very giving, and if she thinks a baby will make Brad happy, she probably won't hesitate," the source adds.

Well, there you go, one more celeb to add to the pregnancy watch list...

Pamela Anderson does it like a Virgin

2005-06-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

File Under: Pamela Anderson

Sir Richard Branson, billionaire playa and founder of Virgin Atlantic, celebrates the airline's 21st birthday flight with Pamela Anderson on the wing of a limited edition plane at New York's John F. Kennedy airport, Wednesday, June 22, 2005.

Looks like Pam had a jolly (as in, I'm so wasted!) good time. This slutty honorary Virgin sure gives the term "Mile High Club" a whole new meaning.

Lindsay Lohan goes through Puberty

2005-06-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

On Wednesday morning, Lohan also told Today's Matt Lauer that if she had had her way, attention would be paid to her acting, not to her social life.
Admitting that she hates the word "partying," the star of Herbie Fully Loaded, which opened Wednesday, said that she's a professional who would like a career just like Jodie Foster's.
"She's my main person I always look toward," said Lohan, who turns 19 on July 2.
The conversation then turned to her weight. Lauer pointed out when he first started interviewing her, she was more full-figured. "I just hit puberty!" she shot back at him.

No, I think she hit the crack pipe. I mean, how do you get knockers before hitting puberty?!

Paris wants to meet the money

2005-06-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Summer, sun and surf. The Parises are leaving for Greece this Friday to win over the tight-ass Latsis clan and hatch out some stuff they can peddle to the world in self-destructive harmony.

Paris is going on vacation to Greece with her fiancé, Paris Latsis, to get to know his family better. Latsis' billionaire grandfather is said to be dying and Hilton "should get to know him before he goes — he holds all the money," we're told.
While the Parises are away, they will be "working on coming up with a project to do together, like a movie," or an endorsement. Since her campaign for Carl's Jr. hamburgers got so much attention, "everybody wants Paris to endorse their product."

I guess she wants to strike while the iron is hot!

Trash Flash: Today's Stinkin' Stories

2005-06-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

File Under: Daily Gossip

>> Howard Stern got E! shaft. [AP]

>> Maid screwed celebrities. [AP]

>> Mel Gibson loses another fan. [AP]

>> Neurons dig Jennifer Aniston, but don't care for Brad Pitt. [AP]

>> Jane Seymour goes topless. [HELLO]

>> Tinkerbell mauls TV producer. [STAR]

>> Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. [NATIONAL ENQUIRER]

>> Oprah ditched her old boy-toy. [NATIONAL ENQUIRER]

>> Lindsay Lohan's uncle gets busted for fraud. [NEW YORK DAILY NEWS]

Latsis family loathes Paris

2005-06-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Yep, it looks like Paris Hilton's big fat Greek wedding is destined to get canned. Aww, who would have thought?

For some reason the Latsis' don't seem all that keen to roll out the red carpet for an amateur porn star just yet.

"The family is appalled that their son would marry such a girl, and are in the process of doing up a pre-nup that will dissuade him from marrying Paris as much as possible. They really don't want her in the family," says our source. To preserve the peace, we hope Paris packs more reliable Trojans than his Homeric namesake.
Then again, the family didn't want Paris Latsis's waterski-instructing father, Grigoris Kasidokostas, in the family either (in his teens, Paris savvily adopted his mother’s maiden name.)

Is it me or is this bound to be the most dysfunctional reality soap-opera or what?!

Owen Wilson loves to lick up

2005-06-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

File Under: Owen Wilson

Kissing ass will get you far in Hollywood. So will sucking dick.

"Implied rimming" on the other hand should only be enjoyed recreationally:

WHICH blond stud, nicknamed the "Butterscotch Stallion," has a perverse sexual bent? He recently picked up a girl at a wedding and the two went back to his hotel room. When the woman asked if he had a condom, the actor replied: "I don't want to have sex with you, but I do want to do something else" — and proceeded to lick her buttocks for "over two hours."

Two hours, huh? Golly gosh, you wanna straw with that?!

Jessica Simpson's got her fudge packed

2005-06-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

Well, it's either that or her burger took a unfortunate shortcut. One thing's for sure, she's walking funny...

Yikes!

Girly needs to get her shit straightened out, ASAP.

No pun intended.

Tom Cruise hates getting prank'd

2005-06-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

But only if he hasn't pre-approved, staged or scripted the pranks with his PR team.

Four TV workers were arrested after the 42-year-old actor's face and jacket were drenched with water from a fake microphone on Sunday.
Channel 4 has apologised to Cruise for the stunt, filmed for a comedy show.
All four men have been released on police bail and are due to return to a London police station on 4 July.
Channel 4 confirmed that a crew from the same show had squirted Sharon Osbourne with water at a cinema screening last month.
Rock manager and X Factor judge Osbourne responded by getting a bucket of water and going after her assailant.

Well, it's good to know that not everybody in Hollywood is a fuckin' humorless hard-ass (see also MTV's Punk'd). I mean, geez, it's just fuckin' water not some stinkin' pie!

Makes me wonder what's up with Tom's retarded water phobia.

Could it be that the little spoilt movie star is afraid he'll shrink?

Whatever it may be, I think my girl captured the essence of it all very eloquently: "Daa-yum, bitch! He got tagged like a motherfucker!"

He sure did, fruit-loops. He sure did...

Angelina Jolie is hot stuff

2005-06-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

File Under: Angelina Jolie

Well, d'uh! I know I'm stating the obvious, but it's better to state the obvious than talk trash like Billy "Couch-Fucker" Bob:

Brad Pitt probably can do without Billy Bob Thornton's thoughts on making love to Angelina Jolie. But, for what it's worth, Jolie's ex suggests the experience is overrated. In fact, you might as well pounce on a Jennifer Convertible.
"Sex doesn't have to be with a model to be good," Thornton says in July's Esquire. "Sometimes with the model, the actress or the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may literally be like f-ing the couch."
(Jolie was Esquire's "Sexiest Person in the World" last year.)

Makes you wonder what he's bedding these days...

Could it be a lawn chair?

Hilary Duff is the spawn of the devil

2005-06-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

File Under: Hilary Duff

Yeah, we've all seen Hilary's new veneers. I mean, how can you not? Those mammoth donkey teeth are probably the only thing next to the Chinese wall you can easily spot from outer space.

Actual conversation overheard in outer space:
Astronaut #1: Dude, check this out! I think they're moving the Chinese wall to L.A.
Astronaut #2: No, man. That's the Duffster. She's got new veneers.
Astronaut #1: Daaaa-mnnn! Those fuckers are fuckin' huge!

Seriously, I'm wondering what she was thinking?! Chick looks like the illegitimate love-child of Al Pacino's Satan character in The Devil's Advocate.

Cameron Diaz is not aging well

2005-06-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

File Under: Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz is currently on vacation in Hawaii and judging by these pictures it looks like a) she's really enjoying the waves; and b) she's let her ass slide in a major way.

And I do mean: M.A.J.O.R.!

Hey, CD! Surf's up, girl! Time to hit the gym...

Jessica Simpson loves to give blow jobs

2005-06-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

Why else would she walk around like she's "Deep Throat"?

The two were pictured as they left the Spider Club after a night on the town.

A spy reports that the two seemed "very much in love".

I think I'm gonna hurl--

Oops, too late...

Paris Latsis likes to spend time in Paris

2005-06-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

And now it's time to learn a little more about our favorite potential Greek Hilton son-in-law, Paris Latsis.

As you know, Latsis is not a real "Latsis", but the son of a water-skiing instructor.

But, of course, that's not all!

"His image seems to be that of a playboy," says Apostolos E. Zoupaniotis, editor of the Astoria-based Greek News. "But Mariana and Spiros Latsis are very serious people and they have a good image."
Taki puts it more succinctly: "From what I've heard, he's an obnoxious little twit."
Apparently he's got other skills as well. When the pair vacationed in Aruba recently, their after-hours activities were known to disrupt the peace, according to a report in the British newspaper The Sun.
"You could hear moaning and groaning and the bed bumping the wall," one fellow guest told the paper. "They were doing it as much as four times a night."

I guess it's tough when you've got nothing to talk about... You'll do anything to kill that awkward silence.

It must be hard (no pun intended).

DiCaprio got his face smashed by a crazy chick

2005-06-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

File Under: Leonardo DiCaprio

There's a good reason why A-list Hollywood talent isn't supposed to mingle with D-list trash. Just ask Leo - but not into his left ear...

In a statement released to PEOPLE, the Oscar-nominated actor's publicist, Ken Sunshine, says: "While leaving a small private gathering, Leo was attacked by a woman who was trespassing and had been repeatedly asked to leave the property. The attacker struck him with a glass object before being restrained by witnesses. The woman was reportedly looking for an ex-boyfriend, who she had apparently physically assaulted on prior occasions."
DiCaprio was at the party hosted by Salomon (Paris Hilton's ex, who starred with the hotel heiress in their notorious sex video), when at around 4 a.m., the woman hit him in the face with what appeared to be a beer bottle, a source reports. After the incident, an ambulance wasn't called but friends took him to a hospital for medical attention, where he received about a dozen stitches near his ear, says the source.

Whoa! Is Rick dating Shannen Doherty again?

Sure sounds like it.

Tom and Katie's engagement (Part Deux)

2005-06-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

What do you think goes through Katie's head as she flashes her smile and rock for the cameras?

Could it be: "If he tries to take my virginity, I swear to god, I will bust his fucking teeth in!"? Or is it: "Mommy, help! I'm so fucked!"?

In the course of the conference, Cruise and Holmes never touched but repeatedly made happy faces.

Yes, because let's remember, these two have the combined intellect of a 12-year-old.

(Cruise's sister and publicist, Lee Anne Devette, sat with them.) Holmes's ring, which Cruise said he bought "a while ago," had a tear-shaped diamond.

"A while ago" means: I had my sister pry it off Nic's skinny finger before I kicked her out of my crib.

As for setting a wedding date, "We have to discuss that," he said. "We're taking it one step at time."

I guess, the lawyers are still working on Katie's employment contract...

Tom scares the shit out of Johansson

2005-06-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

And I bet my Kabbalah pajamas, she isn't the first one nor will she be the last.

Q: Oh, when will the insanity stop?
A: When he starts seeing a shrink, dumbass!

Cruise made repeated phone calls to the 19-year-old starlet—who was then set to co-star with him in Mission Impossible III—imploring her to meet him at the Scientology Celebrity Center in L.A. But when the actress finally agreed, the supposedly professional get-together took an oddly spiritual turn. "[Cruise] took me into this room, which was stifling hot, and was showing me all kinds of info about joining the church," Johansson told our source. "The whole time he didn't even offer me a cookie!" Instead, he offered her dinner—and a glimpse into the Twilight Zone.
After two hours of proselytizing, our source says Cruise opened a door to reveal a second room full of upper-level Scientologists who had been waiting to dine with the pair, at which point the cool-headed ingenue politely excused herself. Soon after the meeting, Johansson dropped out of Mission Impossible III, reportedly due to scheduling conflicts.

I should note that "politely excused herself" is just Hollywood-talk for kicking someone in the balls and bolting down the hallway, screaming.

"Scheduling conflict" means just that - she was too busy to get brainwashed.

Tom and Katie take the plunge

2005-06-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

Yeah; unfortunately, both survived the drop unscathed.

Damn!

Hollywood's most annoying couple has confirmed that they are engaged...and, thus, verified that they are still desperate for publicity and a big clue!

Ever since Cruise and Holmes, 26, went public with their relationship in April, smooching and posing for photographers in Rome, many have doubted the romance — the words "publicity stunt" have rained down on the couple like an alien invasion.
While Cruise's new film, "War of the Worlds," has yet to open, Holmes' "Batman Begins" hit U.S. theaters Wednesday. Skeptics may still decry the romance, but it's difficult to doubt a relationship when a ring is involved.
"I think getting engaged actually defuses a lot of the skepticism. No one would take a publicity stunt this far," says Janice Min, editor-in-chief of Us Weekly magazine.
"I think they have every intention of getting married and every intention of having kids. I think that Tom Cruise is not the kind of celebrity who would venture into this lightly."

Not lightly?! Dude, they know each other for eight weeks!

Jeez. I guess, time really does fly when you're getting publicly brain-fucked... Feel free to voice your opinion in this week's Tom Cruise poll.

I don't wanna sway your vote, but this whole thing's twelve shades of craa-zeee!

The numbers are in: Nick & Jessica Poll

2005-06-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

File Under: Polls

38% think Nick & Jessica are for keeps!

*shakes his head in disgust*

Why do I have this sudden urge to suck on an electrical socket...?

Katie Holmes has surrendered

2005-06-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

File Under: Katie Holmes

Katie has finally confirmed that she's ~~joining a cult~~ converting to Tom's religion. Oh what a joy!

Does that mean they'll help her fix that crooked smile and revolting posture? That would be so swell!

Maybe they could also throw in a new personality while they're at it. The current one's not really working for me...or anyone else for that matter.

I hear that Katie Holmes is driving Warner Bros. Pictures absolutely batty with her insistence - or maybe it's boyfriend Tom Cruise's insistence - that a Church of Scientology official accompany the starlet every step of the way on her "Batman Begins" press tour.
Warner Bros. international marketing execs have been firing off agitated E-mails expressing severe frustration that the 26-year-old Holmes' Scientology adviser, a twentysomething brunette identified as Jessica Rodriguez, has been monitoring (and occasionally interrupting) every single press interview when not giving Holmes religious instruction.
"Tom pays Jessica to 'Keep Katie on the path,'" reports a Lowdown spy. "She goes everywhere with Katie - she's never more than a quarter-step behind her. When you ask her who she is, she says, 'I'm Katie's best friend.' She's known her for six weeks!"

A lot can happen in six weeks. I really don't understand what everybody's problem is. Sounds like a fun little circle of friends looking out for each other. Now, what could possibly be wrong with that?

I've also heard from several sources that Tom's tracking Katie's every move with some sort of GPS cell phone. I'm sure he's just concerned for her safety. After all, it's a crazy world we live in.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my anti-depressants and schedule another appointment with my psychiatrist...

Famed Celeb Trashopardy

2005-06-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

File Under: Quiz

The NYP's PageSix asks:

June 13, 2005 -- WHICH aging boy band member is desperately trying to stop from going bald? During his promo for a comeback album, he "slathered on Rogaine" and concealed his bald spot with hair-colored spray... WHICH head-hunter is having a hard time filling an executive assistant position for a high-profile businesswoman? The recruiter complains privately, "She is such a bitch, no one wants to work for her. I can't find anyone."

Who is AJ?
Who is Martha Stewart?

Am I close? Am I?

Paris not a real Latsis

2005-06-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Am I on fire today or what? Those Paris Hilton tidbits are popping like zits on a 12-year-old's face.

Okay, enough about me. Let's talk a little bit about our favorite Greek GNR fanboy, Paris Latsis.

According to Star Magazine, Paris changed his last name to stimulate his social life and hang with the jet set.

I guess being the son of a water-skiing instructor didn't do the trick.

Star mag reports his father, a former water-skiing instructor, was married only briefly to his mother, shipping heiress Marianna Latsis. Paris later took her surname in what society columnist Taki Theodoracopulos dubs "a big bow to the money."

Well, and now it appears it's Paris Hilton's turn to do some big "bows" to the money.

Jessica Simpson's dad is a diva

2005-06-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

Yup, he sure is. Turns out, Pissy Joe didn't like it when Linds 2.0 gave his skanky daughters the "get-the-steppin'-bitch" party pass at her MTV Movie Awards after-party last week. Nope, he did not. Not. One. Bit.

After calming himself with a glass of warm milk and a chocolate chip cookie, Big Daddy Joe did what every self-respecting Texan would do – he picked up the phone and started talking shit about Linds.

"Joe called our head offices himself and ranted and raved about it," says a top editor at one of the weeklies. "It was obvious he wanted to paint Lindsay as a bitch. He couldn't believe anyone would dare ban Jessica from any party because, as he said, 'She’s a huge superstar.'....Joe will do anything to make sure she's in the papers every week and he knows Lindsay's an easy target."
Simpson, a former Baptist minister, requested that the pubs under no circumstances reveal him as a source and, in at least one case, insisted that they write that the scoop came from an associate of Lohan's.

Geez! What the hell was Linds thinking? I mean, seriously! Doesn't she know that when you mess with a Simpson, you are messing with a, uh, well, a moron?

Paris Hilton plans to go away

2005-06-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Why is it that I don't believe her?

Paris Hilton plans to give up public life for family life. The 24-year-old hotel heiress, star of "The Simple Life" reality series, tells Newsweek magazine that when she was younger, "I thought it was cute to play a dumb blonde. On TV, I do it because it's funny. I consider myself a businesswoman and a brand."
But Hilton says she plans to give up her public life in two years, by which time she expects to become a mother with her fiance, Paris Latsis.
"I don't enjoy going out anymore," she says in the June 20 issue of the magazine, on newsstands Monday. "It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, `Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, `These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this.'"

Do what, exactly? Did she actually do something in the last couple of years other than prance around and shoot amateur porn?

Tommy Lee gets x-rayed at the airport

2005-06-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tommy Lee

Rock stars are known to have short attention spans and way too many piercing. Tommy's no exception.

So what does he do when he has to clear airport security and the damn alarm won't shut up?

He climbs on the conveyor belt and gets himself x-rayed.

Genius, don't you think? I'm sure he'll keep doing this until the radiation turns his member into a green glow stick.

You can download (6MB) and watch the video via the link. Enjoy!

Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett are dating

2005-06-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

File Under: Scarlett Johansson

Well, these two are certainly a lot easier on the eyes than Tom and Katie. But, then again, that doesn't really say much. Warts on a donkey's ass are easier on the eyes than Tom and Katie.

Are Jake and Kirsten back together?

2005-06-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jake Gyllenhaal

Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst are still chummy. The two were seen shopping in Beverly Hills the other day.

Kirsten's still sporting her sickly pale "Marie-Antoinette" tan. Jake's still hanging out with his fugly ex-girlfriends...

Ben Affleck's got balls

2005-06-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

File Under: Ben Affleck

As a movie star, messing with your director is always a touchy and risky endeavor. If it backfires, you're screwed. After all, this is the one guy who can make you look like a million bucks or bury you behind a crowd of extras.

So then why on earth, I ask, would you use your director's neck as a scrotum pedestal? I mean, isn't that what assistants are for?

"I'd be sitting in the director's chair and I'd be watching a playback, and he'd stand behind me. Every once in a while I'd feel something on my neck. I'd be like, 'What the [bleep] was that?' And I'd turn around and he'd have his [scrotum] out and resting on my neck. I was like, 'What the [bleep] is wrong with you, dude?' What if it got out in the press that that's the kind of thing you do?' He's like, 'No one would ever [bleeping] believe you, sir.'"

Well, at least now I know that he wasn't mounting JLo in his trailer the whole time...

Carson Daly is sick

2005-06-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

File Under: Carson Daly

Dude! What the hell is up with Carson "I-almost-married-Tara-Reid" Daly?! Really, what's the story here? Is he on the Lindsay Lohan "diet" or is there something even more sinister going on that I don't know about?

I sure hope not. But, c'mon, it's as obvious as Paris Hilton's lazy eye - Carson is hiding a dirty secret behind that artificial 'everything-is-super-dandy' smile and the fact that he's moving to L.A. (where drugs are cheaper) isn't really helping quell the rumors, either...

Seal gets physical with the paparazzi

2005-06-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

File Under: Heidi Klum

Common sense dictates that you do not ambush pregnant women and their infant daughters - especially when their husbands are around.

Okay, that's a no-brainer, but what happens to those without common sense, you ask? Well, they get kissed by a rose...

Paris Hilton is pregnant

2005-06-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Somebody shred the prenup, it appears Paris has hit the get-knocked-up-by-a-billionaire jackpot!

Yes, that's right. According to a German newspaper (and we just know they've got it right, right?) and their irrefutable photographic evidence, Paris is expecting.

Well, who's the dumb blond now?!

Okay, please don't answer that. I know it's still Paris.

Still, I have to admit I am somewhat stumped. I mean, I know she's looking forward to getting married, starting a family and "completing her life", but why does she have to do it all on the same day?

I guess we will all find out together on December 20th...

Crowe faces his demons and 7 years in prison

2005-06-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

File Under: Russell Crowe

The guy obviously has unresolved issues and a serious anger management problem. Still, charging him with assault for hurling a phone against the wall is a bit steep. Adding criminal possession of a weapon (i.e. the telephone) to the charges is just plain crazy.

The enormity of his situation is not lost on the Gladiator star. He said: "I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I'm just looking at what the situation is - it's a seven-year jail sentence."
He is also aware his fate now lies in the hands of Mr. Estrada.
"It's not his fault," Crowe admitted. "The only hope I've got is to rely on his good graces. I wouldn't imagine that he's in a position where he feels any obligation to do anything nice and I can understand that position completely.
"It's a bad situation, but it could possibly have been worse and I'll just have to deal with it."
The assault charge could also put his US visa at risk, threatening his future in Hollywood.
"The whole traveling thing might be a moot point because of the simple fact that I wouldn't be able to work in America in the future," he said. "That'll be that."

Bummer.

Paris Hilton keeps an eye on her money

2005-06-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Aren't they cute? Almost as genuinely in-love and disarmingly charming as Tom and Katie.

Who says true love can't blossom in Hollywood?

Aw, who am I kidding? This is never gonna work. And what's worse, this guy has absolutely no clue what he's getting himself into. By the time the Princess is through with Masculinus Maximus (and his trust fund), all that will be left of him is that so-retro Guns N Roses tattoo.

Owen Wilson thinks the Dalai Lama's overrated

2005-06-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

File Under: Owen Wilson

We all know guys will jump through a lot of hoops to impress the ~~girl~~ target of their ~~dreams~~ fleeting affection and temporary lapse of judgment. What you don't know is, in Hollywood women aren't really all that easily impressed.

Wilson tells Playboy that he went to hear the Tibetan spiritual leader speak at UCLA once to "impress a girl" and "the crowd made me want to throw up. At the end of his corny lecture, with a bunch of goofball utopian ideals, he opened it up to questions. Somebody asked, 'What's the answer to world hunger?' And his answer was like, 'Sharing!' And everyone oohed and aahed like he'd just solved the problem. Somebody else asked, 'What's the solution to racism?' And he came back with, 'We all have the same color of blood,' and everybody was swooning. I just couldn't believe what the big deal was."

Neither could I. Still, it's good to know I wasn't the only guy in the audience trying to score with a hot yoga teacher...

Give us your soul and we will give you Cruise

2005-06-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

At least that's more or less how I always imagined it goes down whenever a journalist tries to score a sit-down with the always affable Tom Cruise.

Well, I guess I was somewhat right...

[H]ow did Reader's Digest land a rare sit-down with Scientology's top celebrity spokesman? By caving in to a long list of bizarre demands. According to well-placed sources at the magazine, to ensure Cruise's cooperation, the Digest's reporter, Meg Grant, promised to give "Scientology issues" equal play in her profile of the star, and agreed to enroll in a one-day Church "immersion course." Before the interview took place, our sources say, the magazine also agreed to submit its questions for Cruise to his Church handlers, who weeded out any queries they deemed inappropriate. But they were still not taking any chances. When the exclusive interview finally took place, one of Cruise's handlers asked the star the list of pre-approved questions, as Grant recorded Cruise's responses.
Needless to say, the Church is thrilled with the resulting story, we hear. With such fawning treatment in the pages of the global magazine that denounced it only a decade ago, it's scored a significant coup. As for the magazine? "Reader's Digest has sold out with no turning back as far as I'm concerned," laments one former editor.

Okay, now just to be fair, profiling Tom Cruise without giving "Scientology issues" equal play would have been next to impossible anyhow. It's like trying to profile the male anatomy without saying "penis".

Loving Tom Cruise is a privilege

2005-06-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

Yes, that's right. If you think you can just walk up to Tom "I-wanna-help-you" Cruise and profess your undying love for him, well, I've got news for your - according to Katie Holmes, the little man with the big head is very fastidious.

As Holmes, 26, says of her 42-year-old boyfriend (since March): "I just feel so lucky to know him. It's such a privilege to love him. That's how I feel." Of Cruise's Scientology faith, Holmes says only: "I'm learning about it. And I'm excited."
She adds: "There are so many people who are so happy for us. And we're so happy. We're really enjoying each other. I miss him when he leaves the room. I miss him right now. I love being with him every second of the day.

Yeah, I'm so returning my Top Gun and Dawson's Creek DVD collector's editions.

I haven't been this nauseous since my 2-year old nephew peed on me.

Victoria Beckham admits she sucked

2005-06-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

File Under: Victoria Beckham

It seems Posh Spice has finally come to terms with her past and her complete lack of talent.

Well, it's either that or I'm just reading way too much into her drivel:

The line of denims she designed in conjunction with Rock and Republic are meanwhile selling like hotcakes. "I actually think I've found something I'm quite good at now," she said. "My jeans sold out really quickly in Harvey Nichols and in Kitson in LA."
And despite her reputation as a style icon, the mum-of-three said her pregnancies have left her with a less than model-esque physique. "I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach and I've got no bum at all!", joked the self-effacing star. "People tell me my jeans are like a wonderbra for their bum, but I have to take their word for it because I've got nothing back there at all!"

You can take my word for it, sugar-pops; you've got nothing up there, either.

Lindsay Lohan almost Di'ed

2005-06-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

Car accidents are always scary and perilous. But, then again, so is rapid weight loss and doing blow in the ladies room.

What went through teen tyro Lindsay Lohan's mind last week when an L.A. stalkerazzo plowed his minivan into her Mercedes? "I'm just like Princess Di!" Though she survived the June 1 crash—and even attended a party that evening—the rattled actress spent the night telling pals she'd had a reality check (of sorts.) "I didn't sign up for this shit!" Lohan griped. "I signed up to do red carpets, not this. I feel like I'm gonna be the next Diana and it scares me." Putting salt on her imperceptible wounds, police on the scene treated her as if she were "just some dumb star," she added.

Uh, okay. Whatever you say, Linds.

Ben Affleck knows how to bag hot chicks

2005-06-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

File Under: Ben Affleck

Not only does Ben know enough French to chat up hot chicks in elevators; no, he also knows how to make a good first impression:

He was in a Toronto hotel elevator with two French-speaking women, Montreal editors from the Lou Lou shopping magazine. Affleck accidentally dropped a bag on one of the ladies' legs. He apologized en français, the National Post of Canada's Shinan Govani reports.

And once the woman was completely paralyzed by the throbbing pain in her fractured leg, Ben made his move and slung her over his shoulder as he headed back to his suite while grunting like a caveman in heat.

Heidi Klum is unrecognizable

2005-06-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

File Under: Heidi Klum

At least that's what some b-list NYC nightclub owner wants us to believe.

HEIDI Klum got her schnitzel in a twist when a doorman at a SoHo nightclub wouldn't let her in Friday night. Flow owner Tommy Finneran claims the Aryan anchor of Bravo's "Project Runway" was halted by one of his security staff after she tried to barge through the velvet rope to film the show inside. Finneran relates, "Nobody recognized her — I think she was bundled up or something — so somebody says, 'What are you doing? You can't do that.' And she was basically, like, 'I'm Heidi Klum, and you know what? Tell them that the shoot is off.' And she got back in her car and drove off."

Come on, how can you not recognize Heidi Klum?! I mean, seriously! I don't care how bundled up she was, this is Heidi Klum the supermodel we are talking about, not some some ugly little green bug.

Angelina Jolie opens up

2005-06-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

File Under: Angelina Jolie

Angelina sits down with 'Today' show's Ann Curry to talk about Brad Pitt and their relationship.

Well, okay, they mainly talked about the new movie, but still, always-sly Ann did manage to squeeze some juicy nuggets out of the perpetually-scorching Angelina:

But with a Pitt-Anniston divorce in the works, the tabloids have turned to asking, "Are Angelina and Brad a couple now?"
Curry: Why not just say it now and not let anybody keep talking about it?
Jolie: I've never intentionally hurt...
Curry: Why not just say what's going on, so nobody keeps putting a camera in your face?
Jolie: It's not about that. And you and I both know that I could make a thousand statements right now, and it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter.
Curry: People will still...
Jolie: They will. People will say what they want to say, and it's okay. And my life will go on, and I need to focus on my life. So, do I need to defend that I’m a decent woman? I sure hope I don't. I know I am.

I'm not sure how to say this, but she does make sense. Should I be worried?

Brad Pitt takes on poverty and the tabloids

2005-06-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

File Under: Brad Pitt

I'm the first to admit, I'm not a huge Brad Pitt fan. But the guy means well and that still counts for something.

Brad Pitt is taking on poverty and AIDS in Africa — and the tabloids. In an hour-long ABC "Primetime Live" special set to air Tuesday night (10 p.m. ET), Pitt talks to Diane Sawyer about the humanitarian crisis in Africa.
"I can't get out of the press. These people can't get in the press. So let's redirect the attention a little bit," he tells Sawyer.
"We have the potential to end poverty (in Africa) in our time. ... Man — I mean, what is more exciting than that? The potential's there. We gotta go for it."
Pitt says he dreams of having a family someday. "Just feels like a natural progression," he tells Sawyer. "And, you know, anything to get the focus off myself. It's gotta be a healthy thing.

I know what you're thinking, it's all just PR to get Brad in the spotlight before his big movie. You're right, but, hey, at least this is a worthwhile cause as opposed to Kooky Cruise's all-psychiatrists-are-evil movement.

Steven Tyler goes back to school

2005-06-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

File Under: Steven Tyler

Steven Tyler received an honorary doctorate from the University of Massachusetts for his support and contributions to charitable causes as a Bostonian do-gooder.

He does look somewhat dopey, but at least he's aging like a bona fide rock star and not turning into some ersatz-Beatle like Mick Jagger.

Tyler, a Boston-based rock 'n' roll icon, received an honorary doctorate from UMass-Boston for his music and his support for philanthropic causes, from literacy and homelessness to rehabilitation for alcoholism and support for families of soldiers killed in Iraq. "Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life," the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame member told graduates.
Then he raised a tin of licorice Altoids to the microphone, shook it like a maraca, and thrilled the crowd. "Sweeet grad-uation," he sang to the tune of the Aerosmith hit "Sweet Emotion."

You just know that the school's applicant pool is bound for a seismic shift now that it got the Aerosmith approval of cool...

Russell Crowe arrested for assault

2005-06-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

File Under: Russell Crowe

Now, that's what I call movie promotion! Tom should take notice. You don't just jump from talk show couch to talk show couch when you have a major movie to promote. No, to stand out from the crowd you need an edge, baby!

Well, either that or some serious anger management issues...

Russell Crowe, who was arrested in his New York hotel early Monday morning on charges of allegedly throwing a phone at a hotel employee, was released without bail from Manhattan County Criminal Court shortly after noon that same day.
Authorities say the New Zealand-born actor, 41, was upset that he could not place a call to Australia on his phone at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo. Police also say that the employee required stitches to mend a facial bruise.

Knowing Russell, I bet he's sitting in his presidential suite at the Mercer waiting for the hotel manager's apology and some mint chocolate. Especially, since his side of the story is somewhat different:

In a statement to the TV show Extra, Crowe publicist Robin Baum added: "Frustrated by a clerk's unwillingness to help him put through a phone call to his family in Australia, Russell Crowe was involved in a minor altercation at the Mercer Hotel earlier this morning. After asking the front desk several times to replace a faulty phone in his room – and getting only attitude from the clerk on duty – Crowe brought the phone down to the front desk in an effort to address the situation in person. Words were exchanged, and Crowe wound up throwing the phone against the wall. He regrets that he lost his temper, but at no time did he assault anyone or touch any hotel employee."

I live for this sorta stuff. I'm so excited, I could punch my boss!

Be "First": Watch the new Lindsay Lohan video

2005-06-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

But don't blame me if your eyes bleed or your mouth starts to foam. I'm just pointing you in the right direction if that's the sorta stuff you're into.

Please seek help if it is. This is not just plain gruesome, but it's also unpleasantly sad. I actually thought this girl had talent. *shrugs* Another promising Hollywood career gone up in blow...

Tom Cruise is unstoppable

2005-06-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

Okay, so Viacom is doing everything possible to salvage what's left of Kooky Cruise and their War of the Worlds/MI:3 investment by handing him a MTV lifetime achievement award so he can do some much-needed damage control.

How did they do this, you ask? They coached him to reel in his huge ego and act "normal".

"Most of us first met this man when he was dancing in his underwear and feeling the need for speed," Holmes said before introducing a clip reel of Cruise's film history, which she watched with rapt attention. At the end, the actress pumped her arms, then marched off stage to retrieve Cruise who was waiting in the wings, a move that mirrored Cruise's much-replayed performance on the Oprah Winfrey Show last month.
Cruise beamed at Holmes and laughed off the audience's encouragement to "kiss her," saying: "If I've been able to entertain you at all, then, I thank you for allowing me to do so."

Well, well, well... so he spoofed himself and for good measure threw in some humility at the end.

Nice job!

Kelly Osbourne is back in rehab

2005-06-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

File Under: Kelly Osbourne

Look's like youngster Kelly won't make it to her album release party as she's back in rehab.

An unnamed source close to Osbourne tells Us Weekly, "She's slipped into some of her old problems and is not doing so well. Everyone is supporting her."

That's good, because, as far as I know, nobody is supporting her record. Wait, does that mean it's all just a publicity stunt to promote her album? Because for a second there I was actually worried.

Jessica Simpson's got some nice boots

2005-06-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

Or so I imagine. I can't really tell, but it would be odd if she didn't, you know, with the title of the song being "These Boots Were Made for Walking" and all.

Still, is it just me or is this whole washing-a-car-in-a-skimpy-bikini bit getting old?

Cynics might say it's all just gratuitous sex to peddle shitty products. I say, let's not rush to any conclusions. Although, if Linds gets down-'n-dirty with a Beetle at the "Herbie: Fully Loaded" premiere the gloves come off! I'm not stupid, you know.

Jennifer Garner is expecting

2005-06-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jennifer Garner

I guess Ben's luck is finally turning as this will be the first production in which he stars that doesn't suck.

Jessica Simpson cheated on Nick

2005-06-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

"Yawn! What else is new?" I know, but I had to swallow the bitter pill and get the obvious out of my system. Whew! I feel so much better already.

Let's just hope Jenn Rivell, Bam Margera's ex-girlfriend, feels the same way, now that she's gone public with, uh, the shocking news! Yeah, that's it...

Bam's ex-girlfriend: "He cheated on me with 35 to 50 girls. And yes, he did 'ef' Jessica Simpson."
Male Radio DJ #1: "Wait, what did you say? He what?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Yes, he did 'EF' Jessica Simpson."
Female Radio DJ: "And you know that for a fact?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Yes, for a fact. He ended up- woke up in her bed. Yes, I got- have an email. I have- He told me all about it."
Female Radio DJ: [gasp] "Now, how long have you guys been broken up?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Two-and-a-half months now. The whole thing is a lie. Everything that is- The whole show even is a lie."
Female Radio DJ: [stunned] "Really?!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "It's all BS."
Female Radio DJ: "Oh my!"
Male Radio DJ #2: "When did the Jessica Simpson thing go down? Was that- When did that happen? Were you guys-"
Female Radio DJ: [cuts in] "Wasn't it in Vegas at the Palms?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "That was- No, that was in L.A. He was- actually he was at a HIM show with Ryan, and Jessica was there, apparently. And they were there and she started grinding up on him and he was like, what the hell, this is Jessica Simpson?!"
Male Radio DJ #1: "Nice!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "I hope it burns when he pees."
Male Radio DJ #2: "Whoa!"
Female Radio DJ: "Well yeah. Get it off your chest, girl."
Male Radio DJ #1: "What made you decide to call Q102 and tell us?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Somebody asked me to call. Somebody- One of my friends called and said you guys were talking about it the other day and they were like, we hope Jen calls in. So I was like, you know what, what the hell."
Male Radio DJ #2: "And then, I believe is the dad. He-"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: [cuts in] "Phil can't keep his mouth shut. He tells the truth just like I do. Me and Phil are the only people that can tell the truth and the rest of them are all a bunch of BS'ers"
Female Radio DJ: "I did hear that his father-"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: [cuts in] "All paid by Bam. And they are all paid to lie for him."
Female Radio DJ: [gasp]
Male Radio DJ #1: "Whoa!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Did you guys see the clips?"
Male Radio DJ #1: "Yeah!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "All right, when he said he pays Brandon to agree with him..."
Male Radio DJ #1: "Oh yes! Yes, yes!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "That is a fact!"
Male Radio DJ #1: "Right."
Male Radio DJ #2: "Jen is on the line from West Chester. She's Bam's ex. And you broke up with him, what, two months ago you said, Jen?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "After seven years and a ring."
Female Radio DJ: "Whoa!"
Male Radio DJ #2: "Now let me ask you this-"
Male Radio DJ #1: [cuts in] "Wait, you were engaged to him?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Yeah!"
Male Radio DJ #1: "Oh, I didn't know you were engaged to him."
Female Radio DJ: "Yeah..."
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Oh yeah!"
Male Radio DJ #2: "Why should we believe you? I'm just... I'm gonna be devil's advocate here. Maybe you wanna get him back, so I'm gonna call Q102, I'm gonna call Chio in the Morning and I'm gonna throw him under the bridge, under the bus, whatever."
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "If I wanted to get him back, I'd sue him. Because he put me [unintelligible] on a videotape."
Female Radio DJ: [gasp]
Male Radio DJ: "Whoa!"
Female Radio DJ: "Wow!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "And without permission on CKY 4 and Haggard. I could sue him over that. It's not about the money. It's about people knowing the truth. And I don't want a bunch of kids walking around idolizing somebody who they shouldn't be. I mean, people... people need to be real in this world and in this lifetime. And if you can't be then I don't know what to tell you. That's why I'm doing it."
Female Radio DJ: "Whoa!"
Male Radio DJ #2: "Well, obviously this is gonna get out and this is gonna be a big bombshell for Jessica Simpson and her people."
Female Radio DJ: "Yeah!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Well, she humped PJ too while they were doing The Dukes of Hazard."
Male Radio DJ #1: "Who? Who?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "PJ! Oh, oh, sorry - Johnny Knoxville."
Male Radio DJ #2: "Oh okay. Johnny Knoxville. Really?!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Yeah."
Female Radio DJ: "There were lots of stories about that going around."
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "She... she... she is- she gets- Yeah, she... she is as dumb as she looks."
Male Radio DJ #1: "Now let me ask you, Jen, how did you find out about Bam and Jessica? Did he tell you?"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: "Yes!"
Male Radio DJ #1: "What did he say exactly? Did he- I mean, who comes out and says, oh I had sex with Jessica?!"
Bam's ex-girlfriend: [quotes] "You think you’re so 'effin' special?! I got to 'ef' Jessica Simpson this weekend, so I can replace you in a minute."
Female Radio DJ: [gasp]
Male Radio DJ #2: "Ooh, I see!"
Female Radio DJ: "No, he did not say that?!"
Male Radio DJs: "Whoa!"

Well, there's nothing left to add other than: Viva La Bam... and BAM... and BAM!

P.S. Feel free to update your vote in our current 'Nick & Jessica divorce poll' now that you know the ugly, ugly "truth".

Kathy Hilton loves Paris for his money

2005-06-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Just when I was starting to think the Princess and Babaluna were the one true Hollywood love story that would stand the test of time and live on for generations, ugly rumors rear their heads and foil the picture of virtuous bliss.

Apparently, the imminent big fat Greek wedding is just a means to a gold-digger end:

One reason Kathy Hilton is just thrilled about her daughter Paris's engagement to Greek billionaire shipping heir Paris Latsis is that she's hoping the union will solve her husband's financial woes, sources say. While the tabs typically gush about the elder Hiltons' "$1 billion fortune," Kathy and her husband Rick have long scraped by on freebies and a modest trust fund.

No wonder Paris is already talking about having children and completing her life. Those billionaire divorce settlements and alimony payments sure can be sweet.

Trash Flash: Today's Stinkin' Stories

2005-06-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

File Under: Daily Gossip

>> Katie Holmes says Tom Cruise is the most amazing man she's ever met. Next week she will add that she doesn't get to go out much. [source]

>> Jerry Springer admits he's a dolt, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't like to spring on Natalie Portman. [source]

>> Zsa Zsa Gabor sues a Hilton, alleging elder abuse, fraud and intentional infliction of emotional distress. [source]

>> Aniston helps Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi move in together. [source]

>> Rod Stewart remembers he's still married to Rachel Hunter while celebrating his girlfriend's pregnancy. [source]

>> Chapelle is back in L.A. and, for now, he doesn't appear to be on crack. [source]

Lindsay Lohan likes ugly people

2005-06-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

How else could you possibly explain her recent transmutation and the dude with the dead raccoon on his head?

Well, it's either that or Linds is on some sort of bad acid trip. It would certainly explain a lot, including the thought process behind picking those hideous clothes.

"Girls Gone Wild" impresario gets blackmailed

2005-06-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

File Under: Joe Francis

Yes, it appears Joe Francis, the "brains" and "money" behind GGW, is being blackmailed with a home-made sex tape stolen from his mansion during a burglary last year.

Well, as they say, karma can be a bitch.

Girls Gone Wild auteur Joe Francis may be in for a taste of his own medicine thanks to a stolen tape showing him in a very compromising (and uncomfortable) position.
Francis is so desperate to suppress the freaky footage—which insiders say features the party boy being humiliated with a large sex toy—that he's been ponying up to keep it from going public.

I guess karma's not the only bitch around here. Well done, Freaky Francis.

Tom Cruise has Hollywood worried

2005-06-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

No kidding. I'd be worried too if I had my paycheck riding on that vitamin dispenser.

Fortunately, I don't and thus I'm privileged to sit back and enjoy what has essentially become "Scientology Jeopardy" containing such juicy nuggets as "psychiatrists are evil", "I can cure you without drugs" and my personal favorite, "the incessant maniacal laugh".

Mr. Cruise's spokeswoman, his sister Lee Anne De Vette, said she had not heard anything negative after the "Oprah" appearance. "You're looking at someone who's genuinely very happy," she said. "The response we've gotten back is complete enthusiasm and exhilaration for his enthusiasm and exhilaration. He's a very happy person."

Of course he's a happy person. That's what he's programmed to be.

Paris & Nicky: Superficial by default

2005-06-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

A lot of people wonder, what's wrong with the Hilton sisters?

Judging by this picture, my first guess would be, a lot!

Trash Flash: Today's Stinkin' Stories

2005-06-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

File Under: Daily Gossip

>> Tom Sizemore had a long talk with his parents and he's decided to stay unemployed until he regains his sobriety. [source]

>> Brooke Shields doesn't take no crap from Tom "I-want-to-help-people" Cruise. You go girl! Show him who's the boss! [source]

>> Charlie Sheen watched. Denise Richards pushed. Their baby daughter weighs 6 pounds, 10 ounces. [source]

>> Cameron Diaz is going after the tabloids. Donald Trump thinks she's a slut. [source]

>> Kevin Spacey, Robert Evans and Method Man want to show us how to wield power in Hollywood and extract sexual favors from eager starlets. [source]

>> Steven Seagal wants to give David Hasselhoff a run for his money and conquer Germany. [source]

Bentley and Paris don't gel well

2005-06-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Who would have thought, Bentley isn't all that pleased with having their car featured as the object of affection in Paris' scrub-'n-rub burger commercial.

The appearance, which came as a surprise to the automaker, and the attendant furor seem like a downscale two-fer, linking Bentley to a second-tier fast feeder and to America's Cheesiest Starlet.

Truer words have never been spoken.

But the Bentley folks are taking it in stride. John Crawford, the marque's director of PR for the Americas, passed along a statement that included this studiously bland comment on the situation: "When a marque, or brand, rises to a high level of visibility in the community it is inevitable that many will seek to leverage such popularity for gain or benefit."

You mean Paris is just a two-bit opportunist? Say it isn't so.

Paris plans to marry her gynecologist

2005-06-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Just when I was starting to think that Paris can't possibly sink any lower she does what she does best, spreads her legs and proves me wrong.

I gotta say, I'm somewhat speechless. I mean, not being able to keep your hands off each other is one thing, playing "hide-the-fist" in public another.

Dude! Slow down, leave something for the stork!

Lindsay Lohan got smashed

2005-06-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

What could possibly be a more fitting way to wrap up our day-long Lindsay Lohan tittle-tattle marathon than a tidbit about Linds recent paparazzi run-in in West Hollywood.

That's right, turns out an overzealous stalkerazzi didn't like the fact that he was outmaneuvered by two teenage chicks in a Benz and decided to smash his SUV head-on into the driver side of the fleeing car.

I expect that the paparazzi will be sued up the wazoo and manhandled in court by a dream-team of high-priced lawyers in no-time. At least, all preliminary signs are pointing in that direction:

After Lohan made a U-turn to evade Ramirez, he intentionally crashed his minivan into the driver's side door of Lohan's Mercedes Benz coupe, police said.
Lohan suffered a cut to her ankle and complained of pain in her neck and ankle, police said. Her passenger, who police did not identify, complained of pain in her head and wrist.

Judging by the serious damage and potential personal injury claims it's time to call Geico, Gallo! One 15 minute call can save you 15% or more on your car insurance next time you decide to ram a celebrity.

P.S. We think this is a much more effective movie tie-in marketing approach to promote "Herbie: Fully Loaded" than TomKat's pathetic "War of the Worlds"/"Batman Begins" public smooch-'n-grope circus.

Enough already with those herpes-laced lip locks.

Lohan and Kidman have nothing in common

2005-06-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

I have to admit the previous Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Kidman comparison did cause me heaps of emotional distress and sent me reeling through the internet in search for solid answers to questions I did not dare to ask.

Well, I'm relieved to report that I've failed to discover any tangible evidence that would confirm that Lindsay Lohan is trying to be the next Nicole Kidman. None whatsoever.

Jessica Simpson gives us the finger

2005-06-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

Yes, it seems Jessica took some offense to last week's "unsubstantiated" divorce news and felt the urge to squash the rumors for once and for ~~all~~ the rest of the month by giving us the ring (?) finger.

It's quite clear from this picture that there's nothing wrong with her marriage and that she's looking forward to many more years in matrimonial bliss.

Good luck, Nick!

Celebrity Magazine Roundup

2005-06-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

File Under: Celebrity Magazine

Interesting...

- Two magazines.
- Two couples.
- Two stories.
- Same fake smiles.

I guess that explains why I've the same emotional response to both.

Yikes!

Lindsay Lohan's menacing metamorphosis

2005-06-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

What a difference a year can make... last year she was pretty, this year she is Twiggy.

Quite frankly, I'm not really into that whole Linds 2.0 makeover...

Dated Lindsay Lohan Exclusive

2005-06-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

File Under: Lindsay Lohan

So I'm back after a somewhat involuntary one-week hiatus with some dated tittle-tattle concerning our favorite "Mean Girl": Lindsay Lohan.

It's a good thing that gossip doesn't come with an expiration date.

But then again, so what if it did? I mean, who in their right mind would pass up a story that involves a nightclub, Linds and a famed lothario?

Exactly! That's what I thought.

This eye-witness account landed in my mail box last week, but I never got around to posting it due to the aforementioned "technical difficulties"

Anyhow, it appears someone was keeping an eye on Linds as she was living it up with mom and a new guy at last week's SNL wrap party in NYC:

I saw LL last night at the SNL wrap party at Rock Candy. That girl is super skinny and I don't mean that in a good way. She sorta reminded me of Nicole Kidman, you know, super skinny, blond hair, no more freckles. I didn't stick till the biter end as the party sucked chunks and I got lucky before the booze kicked in. No, not with LL. She was hanging out with her mom, her non-celeb friends and this raggedy dude. He sorta looked familiar. Might have been an actor or some musician. Couldn't really tell. They looked like they were having a good time. LL did run to the ladies room a couple of times. Not sure if that means anything. Obviously, I didn't check up on her.

Damn!

Well, for those who care to know, the raggedy-sorta-familiar dude/lothario was none other than: Jared Leto.

P.S. Incidentally, that's also how Jared's agents pitch him to the casting directors.

Trash Flash: Today's Stinkin' Stories

2005-05-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

File Under: Daily Gossip

>> A very revealing unauthorized Ahnuld bio is about to hit the shelves. I'm bracing myself for lots of sex, drugs and rock-'n-roll. Ahnuld may or may not be involved in said activities. [source]

>> Tom and Katie are in love. Tom said so on Oprah, so it must be true. But who would have thought, Tom's first choice wasn't Katie - it was Kate! Or so they want us to believe. [source]

>> Eva Longoria wants to be available to the audience. JC Chasez wants to be available to Eva. I wanna know how I can get in on the action without having to actually watch the show. [source]

>> Paula Abdul slept with Ryan Seacrest and confirms he is not gay. Corey Clark is speechless. [source]

Paris is the center of the Internet

2005-05-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Well, almost. Apparently, there was such a rush to see the new Paris commercial that the fast food company's servers crashed.

The site crashed and was down for about four hours, the company said. "It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

I'm unfazed by this mania and stick to my original review: Boooring!

Nicole Ritchie likes regular coke

2005-05-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

File Under: Nicole Richie

Who are these two clowns trying to fool? Seriously?

"Hey, everybody! Check us out, we don't have an eating disorder. We love food. Look, we are buying bucket-loads of food and drinking regular coke. Mmmh... carbohydrates. Yummy!"

Yeah, right...

Cruise Crash

2005-05-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

First up, sorry for the lack of updates today, but as you probably all know today was the big day - Cruise on Oprah!

I gotta admit, I had high hopes tuning in based on what I'd witnessed on the Tom/Katie front over the last couple of weeks, but, boy-oh-boy, was I in for a big surprise!

I mean, this had to literally be the worst celebrity meltdown captured on film since that notorious Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown interview. Fact is, Tom may have been "cruising", but today he's "crashed".

I'm talking big time. Totaled beyond repair.

Check the images at the link below. It's unreal!

Kid Rock floats off into the sunset

2005-05-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

File Under: Kid Rock

Look who's spending some quality time with Elton John's boyfriend David Furnish in Cannes?

Well, it's none other than American ~~hard~~ badass Kid Rock.

I have to be honest; I never bought into the whole pseudo bad boy image that he so desperately tries to project. There just aren't enough biker bars or strippers in this world to make this paperboy a hard-hitting rock star.

P.S. Judging by his new wardrobe, Pam Anderson must have kicked him in the nuts pretty hard when she gave him his walking papers. Dude wears pants that say "rich" on his ass! That's gotta tell you something...

Nicole Richie and Jake Gyllenhaal hook up

2005-05-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

File Under: Nicole Richie

Nicole seems to make new "friends" rather quickly these days, now that Paris branded her a "traitor" and revoked her "best friend" privileges. But then again, who needs Paris when you get to hang out with Jake "chicks-dig-my-droopy-eyes" Gyllenhaal?

Well, apparently not Nicole, because she gets to hang out with Jake "did-you-know-my-sister-likes-to-get-spanked" Gyllenhaal!

If that's not progress I don't know what is.

Nick & Jessica: Where did the love go?

2005-05-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

God, I so do not care! I'm just happy the whole charade is coming to a grinding stop. Judging by these pictures, "Divorcees: The Nick and Jessica Story" must be right around the corner.

Nobody in the world should have to be married to Jessica Simpson for longer than six days. I mean, nobody can possibly have screwed up that bad in their previous life.

Paris gets viral at last

2005-05-21T23:05:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Obviously, a lot of people are jumping on ~~the~~ Paris Hilton ~~bandwagon~~ these days as she makes her way through Europe promoting perfumes, books, movies, accessories, dog stuff, car tires, and anything else that can be labeled with a five-letter moniker.

Well, that is until now:

Famous-for-nothing heiress Paris Hilton has been put to use again, this time, for a worthy cause, EndHunger, the Jeff Bridges, Hollywood celebrity cause whose mission is "to create and support media projects, programs and events to raise awareness and generate action to end childhood hunger." Because of the statement, "This site has been neither viewed nor approved by any parties mentioned or implicated herein," we assume this is an ad hoc, un-official viral effort created, simply, as a good will effort to raise awareness of the issue.

That's right. It seems Paris is part of a very noble viral marketing campaign. Still, I sincerely hope that the success of this effort does not hinge on Paris' shoulders; mainly because I know everybody's still pretty busy staring at her ass.

P.S. And just to prove my point, I've added some new pictures from her Germany tour.

Jessica Simpson shoots new music video

2005-05-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jessica Simpson

Here are a couple of pictures taken on the set of Jessica Simpson's new music video "These Boots Were Made for Walking" from the upcoming "The Dukes of Hazard" soundtrack. Is it me or are these boots walking straight to the restroom?

I guess even Jessica gets nauseous from the crap she produces. Oh the sweet irony...

Is Keanu Reeves dating Lindsay Lohan?

2005-05-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

File Under: Keanu Reeves

Of course not. But is it just me or does this woman look a lot like last year's Lindsay Lohan?

You know, red hair, freckles, chubby, drunk.

Who knows, maybe Keanu has some sort of time portal at home. I mean, the dude was in an awful lot of sci-fi movies. If anyone knows time travel it's probably Keanu. And besides, everyone knows he's the chosen one.

Food for thought. I'm just saying...

Tara Reid got a new man and a new job

2005-05-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tara Reid

As you can tell by the agape look on their faces, both Tara Reid and Tommy Lee were not quite ready to see their relationship hit the wires. Well, who cares - that's what the wires are for.

But, the new hook-up is not the only new thing in Tara's surgically enhance life. Nope, she also got a new gig as host of E!'s popular 'Wild On' series, which pretty much means that she can finally go wild on camera without having to worry about losing her job or having to flash her knockers.

"You might think you know her from the myriad magazines highlighting her Hollywood highlife, but you are about to experience the real Tara. We're no longer the fly on the wall, this time we are on the dance floor, at the bar, and even in the penthouses, as we follow the only girl who truly knows how to paint the town (or in this case, the world!) red."

I would prefer pink, but red will do, too.

Britney Spears' "Chaotic" Reality Exposed

2005-05-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

File Under: Britney Spears

If you're one of those lucky souls who missed the premiere of Brit's new reality show, let me save you the bleeding eyes and skull-splitting headache by giving you a quick summary of what happened: Nothing. But don't take my word for it:

Man meets woman in VIP area of club, woman summons unemployed, undershirt-wearing man to her European tour, woman bangs man three times in one day and gets a TV show to tell the world. Gosh, it's just like Snow White, only instead of the prince waking Snow White up with a kiss, he gives her beard burn. At one point, Britney drives while listening to the Peggy Lee song ''Is That All There Is?'' Oddly, I had been humming the same song for the whole hour.

It's a shame. I had high expectations. Unfortunately, the show's just one big teaser trailer for the Darwin Awards:

Let's take the moment when she focused the camera on her knees and said, ''They look just like boobs. But they're not. They're my knees!'' and then shrieked with laughter. One wonders, what about this intensely banal moment made her tell her editors to include it in the show?

Stupid is as stupid does.

P.S. No, that's not the title of Britney’s upcoming 'Greatest Hits' album.

Paris and Pigeons Forever

2005-05-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

File Under: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton it seems loves many things and many places, including London:

"London is my favorite city in the whole world... I would live here if it had L.A. weather. I love feeding the pigeons in Trafalgar Square. I could do that forever."

Unfortunately, feeding pigeons has been banned in London by the current Mayor.

I guess it's back to shooting porn in your hotel room for now, Paris.

UPN has to stalk Talent to fill Schedule

2005-05-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

File Under: Chris Rock

What do you do when an agent doesn't take your calls?

You key his car and stalk the talent.

That's apparently the route UPN Entertainment President Dawn Ostroff had to travel for the opportunity to throw obscene amounts of money at Chris Rock and diss Donald Trump in public:

Said Ostroff: "There hasn't been anything this funny on Thursday night since Donald Trump's hair."

And isn't that what today's sophisticated TV viewer ultimately wants, a new Chris Rock sitcom that's funnier than a bad hair transplant?

Tom and Katie are (really) in love

2005-05-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

File Under: Tom Cruise

Stop gagging and flush the toilette, it appears Tom and Katie are really in love.

That's right. If you thought this is all a publicty stunt to promote "War of the Worlds" and "Batman Begins", well, think again:

Tom Cruise adores his latest love, Katie Holmes. Let's hope, this time, there are no male porn stars looking to smudge the picture of happiness.

AWW SNAP! You guys had to go and raise the gay porn star card!

Well, actually, I would have too if only I wasn't dweling in a crummy place a stone throw away from the Celebrity Center.

I swear, sometimes late at night, I can hear them home in on me with their e-meters...

Bruckheimer has cornered your eyeballs

2005-05-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jerry Bruckheimer

Its official, Brucky's one of the most prolific TV producers of our time. I'm not surprised. The guy knows what he's doing. How else can you explain the fact that David Caruso has a paying job on TV?

I mean, this guy reads his lines as if they're pinned on a donkey's ass. You gotta have some serious producing skills to make that guy look good...

With four new projects landing series orders and six shows returning for the 2005-06 season, Bruckheimer now stands to break the record held for decades by Aaron Spelling as primetime's most prolific series producer during a single season.

So, it's pretty much official, CBS (a.k.a. the Channel Bruckheimer Saved) will continue to ravage primetime ratings like a caged Gorilla on Viagra. Or as Leslie "I-popped-Jeff-Zucker-like-a-cherry" Moonves likes to put it: "CBS will remain the most dominant network for many, many years to come."

I guess that means CSI, the Sitcom, is inevitable.

Need Money? Like to Travel? Grab a Camera!

2005-05-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

File Under: Jennifer Aniston

It's widely known that the paparazzi make a killing shooting celebrities. Here are the going rates for those interested in a possible change of scenery:

$15,000: Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen in a New York City nightclub (more if the photos are unflattering)
$30,000: Jennifer Aniston, post-breakup, looking sad (left) (more if there is a nearby man on whose shoulder she could potentially cry)
$90,000: First photos of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez kissing
$2,000: First photos of Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez kissing
$370: What British tabloid Heat will pay an average citizen who snaps a celebrity—any celebrity—with his camera phone
$2.3 million: What Kevin Federline earned—Britney said he could keep the money all to himself—from People for exclusive rights to his wedding photos

I wish all prospective paparazzo the best of luck. You'll need it.

Indian Star ready for Hollywood Casting Couch

2005-05-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

File Under: Mallika Sherawat

What do I love more than trashy celebrities? Nothing.

But I'm always willing to broaden my horizon. Hence, today's addition to my trash stash will be the overly-ambitious-foreign-actress-with-big-knockers.

Having just made the proverbial splash in Cannes, this young lady isn't shy about sharing her wisdom on how to penetrate and get (a)head in Hollywood:

"A whole new market has opened for me. The response of European media and American media here toward me has been fantastic, it has been great... I'm going to grab this chance with both hands."

The small yet important detail of using "both hands", leads me to believe that she has done some preliminary research into the proclivities of Hollywood. I guess she really does have a leg up on the competition.

The Olsen Twins roll into Cannes

2005-05-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

File Under: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

The Olsen's arrive for the Cinema Against AIDS 2005 charity event of the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amFAR) in Cannes. Yeah, but where's the rest of them?

My Life's Getting Nowhere - Lets sue Madonna!

2005-05-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

File Under: Madonna

Two handsome Belgian are suing Madonna for plagiarism. And judging by the expression on their faces, they are just as stunned about this as me. But what's done is done.

According to the complaint, a songwriter and his producer allege that Madonna plagiarized their tune, aptly titled "Ma vie fout l'camp" (My life's getting nowhere), with her 1998 hit "Frozen".

I was in the bath. I was listening to the radio, and thought that's strange, I know that melody.

And now that he's finally finished taking a dump, he's ready for his day in court and to be the butt of all jokes.