famed trash

Monday, June 13, 2005

Katie Holmes has surrendered

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Katie Holmes and Jessica Rodriguez in London

Katie has finally confirmed that she's joining a cult converting to Tom's religion. Oh what a joy!

Does that mean they'll help her fix that crooked smile and revolting posture? That would be so swell!

Maybe they could also throw in a new personality while they're at it. The current one's not really working for me...or anyone else for that matter.

I hear that Katie Holmes is driving Warner Bros. Pictures absolutely batty with her insistence - or maybe it's boyfriend Tom Cruise's insistence - that a Church of Scientology official accompany the starlet every step of the way on her "Batman Begins" press tour.

Warner Bros. international marketing execs have been firing off agitated E-mails expressing severe frustration that the 26-year-old Holmes' Scientology adviser, a twentysomething brunette identified as Jessica Rodriguez, has been monitoring (and occasionally interrupting) every single press interview when not giving Holmes religious instruction.

"Tom pays Jessica to 'Keep Katie on the path,'" reports a Lowdown spy. "She goes everywhere with Katie - she's never more than a quarter-step behind her. When you ask her who she is, she says, 'I'm Katie's best friend.' She's known her for six weeks!"

A lot can happen in six weeks. I really don't understand what everybody's problem is. Sounds like a fun little circle of friends looking out for each other. Now, what could possibly be wrong with that?

I've also heard from several sources that Tom's tracking Katie's every move with some sort of GPS cell phone. I'm sure he's just concerned for her safety. After all, it's a crazy world we live in.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my anti-depressants and schedule another appointment with my psychiatrist...

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